**Strengthening Your Marriage*
Bible Study
"Lesson Five"

*God's Rules for Good Communication part 2*


Ephesians 4:25-32



Good relationships are not built because of an absence of problems. Nobody is immune from problems. All of us are sinners and that is all it takes to set the stage for conflict!

Take heart! Solid and lasting relationships can be built by those who know Christ as Savior and who learn to deal with these problems God's way.

In Ephesians 4:22-24, Paul talks about “How to grow and change” by replacing the “old self”, thoughts and actions with biblical thoughts and habits which is God’s way of handling conflicts.

He illustrates this in the following verses (Vs. 25-32), and in these examples of “Put Off” – “Put on,” he gives _*four *_very effective “Rules of Communication.” They are good for preventing and solving problems. In this lesson we will look at the last two rules (Vs 25 - 27).

25 Therefore, putting away lying, "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor," for we are members of one another.
26 "Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath,
27 nor give place to the devil.
28 Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need.
29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.
32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.


Third Rule - Attack the Problems not People Ephesians 4:15, 29-30,

Here we have another "PUT OFF" and "PUT ON. Put off corrupt or unwholesome words and put on words that edify or encourage. Let us deal first with the put off.
What is a corrupt or unwholesome word. Words that attack a person's character are words that tear down. In Matthew 5:21-22 our Lord said " "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ "But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire." We must avoid name calling, it only adds fuel to the fire. It NEVER solves the problem! It is so easy when we are angry or upset, to start calling our spouse names such as "Idiot" or "Jerk" or"______" you fill in the blank. These are words that hurt and tear down. James describes our tongue as a fire that is quick to burn and destroy, and impossible to tame. (James 3:5-12) In the end, anything we say that does not encourage or build up the other is to be avoided
Now the "PUT ON." Life is more that just a bunch of do nots. There are also the Do's. We are to use communication to encourage and build up the other. In this passage we are told two was that we are to speak. first in Eph 4:15 we are to speak in love. Love is putting the other persons interests and needs before our own. The second is "To bring growth" or to build up. Things that support and help the other person. We sould use words that give grace (the desire and ability to do God's will) to those who hear. We need to zero in on a conflict and look for solutions. This also includes body language and tone of voice.

Put off - words that tear down!
Put On - words that build up!


Rule number Four - Act, Don't react:Verses 31 - 32

Reactions are attitudes and actions that must be "Put Off" Here are some definitions for the terms used in these verses

1. Bitterness: the refusal to treat someone as if they never hurt you.

2. Wrath: flaring outbursts or rage.

3. Anger: settled indignation or hostility that frequently seeks revenge: the “Slow burn”

4. Clamor: harsh contention and strife, public quarreling, brawling,

5. Slander: speech that injures, abusive speech.

6. Malice: desire to harm others or see them suffer.

It is our natural tendency in or sin nature to be defensive when dealing with our own sins. In Genesis we are told how Adam and Eve sinned and how Adam defended himself blaming the woman and how Eve defended herself blaming the snake. We must be willing to own up to our own sin before we can overcome it.

Actions are attitudes and actions we must "Put On' to replace the reactions: Here are the definitions for the action terms used in Verse 32

1. Kind: benevolent, helpful, courteous – Polite

2. Tenderhearted: Lit, “of good heartedness” compassionate, sympathetic.

3. Forgiving: to give up your right or claim to revenge, hold a grudge or get even.

You, through God's Spirit must learn to be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving. This starts before we "Feel like it". It starts with a decision to act in a way that will please God by "Doing" these things. Always remember that Arguments are only possible if each person "Reacts". but if you are willing to act in the way God has said the argument will be over before it began!

In Conclusion- It is not easy to change a bad habits. But with God's help it can be done. Your communication in your marriage and with your children will take on a whole new blessing when you begin to act biblically.
No matter how irresponsible the other person is you can always do what is right. You can change the other persons actions or attitudes but you can change how you respond to them!

Pastor Tim Heinrich(PT)
pastor@tracychurch.org
814-1815 (cell)
833-8423 (church)

Much of the material in this Bible study is from the Book _Strengthening Your Marriage_ by Wayne Mack. For further study, the book can be purchased for $8.99 at www.ChristianBook.com.

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